We All Deserve to Die With Dignity
Don't judge me, or anyone, for our choice.
I know - it’s only Monday, so what am I doing in your inbox? I wanted to remind everyone to join us for another free Death Cafe, Tuesday March 4th at 7 pm Eastern time! You just need to sign up at the link below to get the Zoom link: March 4: https://www.eventbrite.com/e/death-cafe-tickets-1220036464909
And now, a story:
Erica was curled up in her husband John’s arms as he died, peacefully and on his own terms, a few years after being diagnosed with Alzheimers.
Erica and John had only been married a few years – a second marriage for both of them – when they began having the kind of conversations most of us put off: what to do when one of them becomes terminally ill, or is diagnosed with Alzheimers. John was adamant that if he didn’t have full mental capacity, he did not want to live.
Four decades later, those conversations were part of John’s life story that allowed him to be accepted at Dignitas, a Swiss organization that advocates for, and provides people with, assisted death.
A couple of years ago, Amy Bloom wrote In Love, the powerful memoir on helping her husband, also diagnosed with Alzheimers, to end his life as he wanted to. (I highly recommend this book!)
This book, Erica said, was what gave them the idea to explore whether Dignitas might be the answer to John’s increasing symptoms and his conviction that he didn’t want to experience the kind of suffering they knew would be coming. “[The book] showed me the way out of our confusion and John’s fear of having to die in a vegetative state,” Erica says. “She showed me her courage which I needed to emulate.”
In July 2023, Erica and John made the trip to Zurich and to Dignitas where John was able to die exactly as he wanted, with Erica by his side.
It sounds simple, right? It’s anything but. Besides the months and months of preparation both practical and emotional, after John’s death Erica felt everything from sadness and grief to guilt to relief that John wasn’t suffering.
No one knows what another person is going through, especially when it comes to illness. Erica told me that most friends and family were fully supportive of their choice, but one or two friends stopped speaking to her when she told them how John died. It makes me mad for her - how dare they judge him on his life choice? In those terrible weeks and months after a loved one dies, we need comfort and support, not disapproval.
After John’s death, Erica found comfort in writing about the experience; that eventually grew into a book that’ll be published this fall. You can find out more about her and John’s story and the book release at her website.
As someone who believes very strongly in the right for everyone to die with dignity, I’m both glad that a place like Dignitas exists, and sad, angry, and frustrated that it’s difficult and expensive to access it, and that those who choose it are often treated as pariahs.
It’s even more frustrating that in this country we don’t allow people with Alzheimer’s the opportunity to end their own life, and in fact most states don’t allow death with dignity AT ALL. Currently there are 11 states that allow it (I’m proud to say that my erstwhile home of Oregon was the first, back in 1997). Although it’s legal in New Jersey, Republican assemblymember Robert Auth is trying to repeal it based on religious grounds. And the Death with Dignity bill has been languishing on the desk of New York governor Kathy Hochul for a couple of YEARS now.
Of course, ethical issues abound, and should continue to be discussed; I wrote a couple of papers on this very subject for my master’s degree in bioethics that I shall not bore you with at this time…. but I know that for me, I want to live my life my way and if necessary and possible, to die my way as well.
The topic of death with dignity came up in our death cafe a couple of weeks ago, and interest in it was so great that I’ve decided to hold a special free Zoom chat on Thursday March 27, from 7 - 8 Eastern time. Email me to sign up!
Please DO NOT attend if you are opposed to death with dignity. This will be a supportive and nonjudmental space for people to ask questions, feel heard, and discuss their own opinons and experiences with death with dignity, not a place for debate.
I look forward to seeing you there!